In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
You Might Also Like
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.