hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged