Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Something Saturday.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
this was the best i’ve ever seen
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I enjoy a good short stor
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..