So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.