6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.