Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?