I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?