Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
You Might Also Like
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“Wait, let me explain..”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.