Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Anyone really
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.