:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Someone just threatened to call me later
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.