Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
2 years later
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”