Tuesday
You Might Also Like
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.