Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Cake!!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…