I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.