Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.