Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”