In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
@funTweeters I am at your service….
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.