I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet