I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-