Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
what does he know…
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
somebody come look at this
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.