yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*