People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
PLEASE READ
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
early stone age tool
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.