Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
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I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.