ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
All excellent questions
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
ugh not again
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die