I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Safety first
Me: how are you
Friday: good
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.