Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Yup.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5