You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Straight people are cancelled
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
These aren’t even hard anymore.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*