i prefer mine room temperature.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Yup!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down