Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
🙂🐾
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.