ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Beware of fowl play.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Anyone really
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.