I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.