[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.