The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
You Might Also Like
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Meow
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
But I really needed water water water
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I put the p in pants.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.