Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.