COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses