“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
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[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I believe the plural is “milves.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.