Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬