Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.