My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
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Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
These are my roll models.
lol
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car