My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
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you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.