{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Best spot.. 😅
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.