My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Still a very good boi….
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively