Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Duck typos.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates