Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
But is it really??
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Only a mother’s love …
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT