Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed