Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
You Might Also Like
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Note to self: always read the final line
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost