[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult