#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
went fishing caught a bass
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Well, shit
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
#parenting
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.