“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
OMG 🤣🤣
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.