internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
my dog when i have a friend over
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.